Funny Tweets of the Week – No 46
Too early for the first Christmas tweet? I think not, only 35 days! Speaking of which, you’ll need some cash:
-I'd like to take some money from my account please.
-Aaaah'd liiiike to taaaake some muuuuhney from my accouuuuunt puhleeeeease.
— Pablo Eggscobar (@pauleggleston) November 13, 2017
Though, your presents might be a bit late if Santa has to walk:
…all the reindeer used to laugh and call him names…so he killed them. All of them. pic.twitter.com/9YhY0zVSr1
— Christian (@dolantalks) November 9, 2017
And if you thought reindeer were dangerous, tits are far worse:
Deliver the seed by 0800 hours or I shall destroy another major city every hour on the hour. pic.twitter.com/7sjwytToDy
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) November 3, 2017
Try not to make too much of a mess with all your lovely new mugs, socks and random bathroom-based gift boxes:
God's Mum: God? Have you tidied up your room?
God: MUM! I'm playing!
GM: Remember what happened last time?
G: You threw away my dinosaurs…
— Jeffw (@Jeffwni) February 3, 2015
| ZERO |
| DAYS |
| SINCE |
| LAST |
| CABINET |
— James Ball (@jamesrbuk) November 8, 2017
Speaking of which:
A short story. pic.twitter.com/PWQIGHuXPR
— Office Christmas Marty (@TeaAndCopy) November 2, 2017
This feels like the oldest joke in the world but I’ve never heard it before:
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where's the 5th?
— KattsDogma (@KattsDogma) January 7, 2016
Watch your back Santa:
Brian Blessed won't let them? pic.twitter.com/QApdAvMQ5r
— Oonagh (@Okeating) November 4, 2017
[mortal kombat voice] pic.twitter.com/F5a6dVykr3
— bens rights activist (@UniqueDude2) October 21, 2016
I actually think this deserves an answer:
Why'd you name your condoms after something that you happily let into your castle walls only to have soldiers burst out of it?
— Bec Hill (@bechillcomedian) November 3, 2017